21. Identifying Where to Focus to Make Changes

I would like to share ways to identify where to focus your attention to help make changes to improve your life, mental health, and sense of well-being. 

It is important to identify the problem patterns we experience and recognize that they are not something we do consciously or intentionally. It is also helpful to notice what we have been trying to do to deal with them. That gives us valuable information in order to find ways to deal with our problems more effectively.

When I have asked my clients to share what brings them in for therapy, the general response I receive is something like this:

I feel depressed or anxious. Then I beat myself up for having these feelings,
 try to understand where they come from and do whatever I can
to not feel this way, often discounting my feelings.
When I can’t control my emotions in these ways,
I get caught up in thinking there is something wrong with me.

In my years as a therapist, I have found that many people have not learned to deal with their feelings in childhood and, as adults, they do not know how to cope with emotions. So, it is understandable that the tendency is to continue to try to push their emotions away.

Avoiding and denying feelings is a deeply ingrained pattern and belief operating in our culture. I believe this is the most significant and detrimental Attempted Solution that creates and perpetuates our Problems. I have seen this with thousands of clients. 

What people have been doing to try to solve their problem is what is creating and perpetuating their problem.

When feelings arise within self and others, we tend to do things to try to make the feelings go away. I appreciate this is with good intention to try to help ourselves or someone else feel better. It is useful to pay attention to the actual response we get back when we do this. Notice what happens within yourself when you share with your friend that you feel upset. Your friend may attempt to be encouraging and say, “Everything will be okay.” Yet even though you appreciate their good intentions, their response does not help you feel heard or validated.

Another approach people tend to take with difficult emotions is to give advice. For example, they may say, “Did you think about trying this or that to solve your problem?” When this occurs, my internal response is to wonder why they think they have the answers to others’ problems.

What contributes to our feelings holding on?

We are putting so much time and energy into suppressing and repressing feelings, trying to make them go away. Unfortunately, this only creates the response of feelings escalating and holding on tighter. Moreover, spending our energy and attention trying to deny our feelings contributes to depression (it takes a lot of energy to suppress our emotions!). In reality, when we allow ourselves to have our feelings, they usually don’t last more than 10 seconds.

A “homework assignment” I often give my new clients is to practice validating their own and other’s feelings. It is amazing to learn what happens when feelings are accepted and allowed. When we don’t put so much energy into avoiding our emotions, we notice that feelings help and guide us. When we allow a feeling and recognize that Part has a deeper purpose and positive intention, we can befriend Parts of ourselves and allow them to bring what they have wanted for us into our experience now. Notice how that helps the feelings dissolve naturally and (relatively) easily. 

This contributes to inner acceptance and is a much more of a peaceful way to live!