10. Continuing to Work with Hopelessness

Continuing with my series addressing questions that are common today:

There are things we can do to make life better, but it is very challenging to actually do something different when we are in the midst of problems. How do you help your clients when they are feeling hopeless?

It IS challenging to do something different in the midst of problems.  I have worked with thousands of clients who have been working hard trying to create change in unwanted thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and behaviors. They have been doing everything they know to try to help things be different, yet are unable to find ways to change, contributing to more defeat and hopelessness. Sometimes goals are too big and seem unachievable, which also contributes to emotional setbacks. For example, if we start in a place of feeling hopeless and want to get to Peace and Self-Acceptance, that is too big of a goal to achieve and again contributes to feelings of failure and despair.

People generally come into therapy thinking something is “wrong” with them. Then, often professionals will give them a diagnosis that confirms that concern. I would like to share some steps to help get unstuck.

First, it is useful to identify where we are now (Problem State) and our long-term goals (Desired Outcome) using Well-formed Outcome conditions.

Next, we want to identify how we will know that we are on the right path to get where we want to go. It is useful to establish a sign or evidence of change. When we set a manageable and achievable indicator that we are moving toward our goal, that we can achieve, that provides a sense of hope. 

For example: A sign that things are at least beginning to move in the right direction toward self-acceptance would be if I heard myself being kinder to myself in my internal dialogue.

Once people identify what is going on in their internal experience that contributes to their Problem State (being self-critical or having a negative internal dialogue about themselves), we have defined something to work with to have the possibility of creating new choices. We know what we want to do differently, yet can’t. We know it is an unconsciously generated response that gets in the way. The unconscious mind’s job is to try to help us survive. What happens when we try to take away a survival mechanism? Yes. It holds on tighter. We need to learn ways to work with these survival mechanisms. When we do, we are able to help these inner responses have what they have been here trying to do for us and are then able to naturally and more easily release these unwanted patterns. 

For instance, I have worked with people who are self-critical. We carry on these old tapes that have played in our heads for much of our lives, probably from messages from parents. It is deeply unconsciously generated to try to help us survive and doesn’t realize it is not helping. It does what it does, and if it doesn’t work, it does more of the same. The processes I work with validate and work with these unconscious patterns and programs, finding out what they have been here trying to do for us, experience already having what they have wanted within, allowing them to transform relatively gently and easily.