24. Creating Success in Our Primary Relationships
We have always heard that we need to love ourselves first before we can love someone else and receive love from another. A healthy relationship is based on loving and accepting ourselves and our partner fully and unconditionally. It helps both people in the partnership become more and better than they were without their significant other. Joy and happiness are part of a healthy relationship.
It is first useful to explore what interferes with healthy interactions. Typical dysfunctional patterns in relationships occur when we get caught in trying to be who we think our partner wants us to be in hopes of them giving us what we need and want. This is what is referred to as a codependent relationship, where love and acceptance are conditional on trying to be who we think our partner wants, rather than being who we are and fully accepting them for who they are.
It is difficult to maintain codependent patterns and behaviors for long. Usually, this includes unspoken hopes and expectations. Unfortunately, our partner does not know what is expected. As I have told hundreds of my clients: Your partner cannot read your mind. It is especially difficult when you don’t even know what you want. Also, codependency tends to give our partner the message that we are there to meet their needs and sets up an unbalanced relationship.
Early in my marriage and family therapy training, my teacher portrayed an image of a roof being held up by two beams standing straight up next to each other, displaying the stability that structure provided. Then she showed two posts leaning on each other, showing a very unstable roof. A relationship has the best chance to be healthy and strong when two whole people join together bringing in 100% of themselves. This is referred to as an interdependent relationship. Quite different from the codependent relationship where one partner looks to the other to get their inner needs met.
We certainly want to give to our partner; we just want to be sure it is not at the expense of giving away any part of our true self.
As a marital therapist with many years of experience, I have seen one person in a relationship be very giving to the point of caretaking and putting their partner’s needs before their own. The caretaker, my client, will share feelings of unmet needs, emptiness, anger, and often resentment. In the long run, caretaking and putting their partner’s needs before their own is not useful to the partner being given to, and this partner usually does not understand where the resentment and anger are coming from and how to respond. The partner being given to is often portrayed by their partner as controlling and even abusive.
I tell my clients that no one can control us unless we let them.
In therapy, I work with my clients to help them learn to feel good about themselves and be able to ask for what they want. We often begin with first helping them know what they want. Learning good communication skills is important so that when they share their wants and needs with their partner, they have the best chance of getting the response they desire.