17. Effective Parenting, Part IV
Taking up where I left off in Part III, today I want to conclude my series on Effective Parenting.
When parents give children choices to begin with and children receive positive reinforcement for doing the things they are supposed to do, coupled with short-term immediate minimal consequences for making the “wrong” choice, children learn that the next time, they would rather make the better choice. This contributes to developing the forward-thinking part of the brain – learning to make a choice of doing something that is best for them in the long-run, not just going for immediate gratification (which is all children know at the beginning).
The reality is: there are positive and negative results from actions. Parents need to give their children guidance to help them learn that they are responsible for their own actions. It is much better to learn this lesson in a loving supportive family, rather than wait until they go out in the world and having this lesson come from losing a job or getting involved in the legal system.
The aim with parents is to find ways to discontinue repeating the dysfunctional pattern of reasoning. Trying to reason often sets up an on-going power struggle. In therapy sessions I help parents recognize that when they get into a power struggle with a child, the parents will lose. To establish effective boundaries, parents must be congruent with their children: the parents’ actions need to match their words.
A rule is not a rule unless there is a way to enforce it.
If we tell a child that they need to respond in a certain way, and they don’t, if there are no consequences, what message does that give? Children will simply learn to get away with breaking rules. In my child development training (also seeing for myself hundreds of times since), I was taught that children will continue to push and test boundaries until they find out where the boundaries are. When they find them, children are able to develop most effectively within the boundaries. This is the process that helps children develop a sense of security and self-esteem.
If limits are not set effectively, children learn quickly that words mean nothing, and when they hear “no”, they get the message that they need to look harder (or try to be sneakier) in order to get away with what they want to do. They will keep putting their energy and attention on continuing to push and test for boundaries when the boundaries are not clear.
Parents often threaten to give extreme consequences, such as, “You are grounded for a month.” In reality, grounding your child for a month is very difficult to carry out and is usually more of a consequence for parents. When parents are unable to make good on enforcing this rule, what message does it give? The parents’ words lose credibility because when they can’t enforce what they threaten, what they say becomes an idle threat.
It is the job as a parent, to be clear that you are “in charge.” It is like being a “good boss.” When it is understood that the employee needs to do their job (not be friends first with the boss), the employee is more likely to work effectively and well.
I will give an outline below of the steps to take to carry out effective parenting by setting and enforcing rules congruently, with words matching actions. Parents must be willing to do something different in order to find out if that helps getting different results with their children. Moreover, parents need to be willing to make a commitment to follow through with making changes in how they establish and carry out rules.
We have all heard of the importance of being consistent, being willing to set a rule that can be enforced on a daily basis, and understanding that it takes repetition to help children learn things are changing. Sometimes children’s pushing and testing will escalate initially to try to bring things back to the way they were. So, parents need to be able to hang in there, follow through with consequences, and resist the temptation to go back to their familiar pattern of trying to reason.
Once children push and test enough to know where the boundaries really are, they will unconsciously and automatically discontinue trying to push and test. That is the outcome we are after. That is when we know the power struggles are winding down and we are on our way to happier, healthier children and a happier, healthier relationship with them.
The Steps to Effective Parenting
It is important to give children choices: We would like for you to do (rule). If you do, that would be great. If you don’t, we don’t know what will happen.
If they don’t do what is asked, then, enforce a consequence: Something that is an immediate minimal inconvenience that you can impose soon after the rule violation without their awareness that it is you doing it. (Example: If you ask your child to make the bed before breakfast, if they don’t, perhaps their favorite cereal is nowhere to be found when they want to eat that morning.)
Then, not saying anything, notice if the child makes a different and better choice the next time. Learning happens from experience.
This is the recipe for learning to take responsibility: Give children guidance to learn to want to make better choices because when they do, they experience benefits, receiving consequences if they don’t.
When rules can be set in a way that can be enforced effectively, this helps parents gain credibility. Once credibility is established, it becomes easier to set rules in the future.
When kids know their boundaries, they can focus their energy and attention on positive self-development.